Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
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Saving my good tweets for marriage
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
me hooking up with my ex
ok hear me out: Luigiana
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
The Birdles
Just how popey was the pope today?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME