there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
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ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!