[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
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Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned