the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
You Might Also Like
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
584.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
He took my last fry, your honor
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?