hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
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me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*