Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
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[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
britain’s three elite institutions
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.