I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
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this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire