*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
You Might Also Like
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
War & Peace
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale