#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
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Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
A little too much information.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
So creative 😂
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo