sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
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Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.