best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
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axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*