GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
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every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Don’t talk down to me
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.