Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
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There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
You are what you delete.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me: