you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
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I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
But wait…
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do