I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
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Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Nomnomnomnom
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)