CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
You Might Also Like
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
can’t catch a break
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.