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“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?