ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
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*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Canada has crack?
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.