Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
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I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car