*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
You Might Also Like
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
How it started How it’s going
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”