[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
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My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
OH. COME. ON.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.