“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
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I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭