If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
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good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Damn what did I do next
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”