Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
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i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.