If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
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A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Monday again. I just knew this would happen