There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
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me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”