I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
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Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
*watches the world burn*
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
My dad is at it again
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play