I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
You Might Also Like
so weird how every mom was born today
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*