Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
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*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.