Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
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When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home