Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
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Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
October already? What’s next? November????
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
O Wise One….
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.