3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
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Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Cats (2019)
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”