[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
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You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me