Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
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These are my roll models.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I feel seen.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.