My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
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Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.