A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
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blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
they finally got him. they got macavity
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”