ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
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What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”