*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
You Might Also Like
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!