In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
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Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
British websites use biscuits.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin