This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
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After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott