Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
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what the
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Thursday
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!