My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
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Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered