Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
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My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING