Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
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I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend