Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
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Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I feel it
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
This is a bad sign
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.