Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
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WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Me if I was a dog
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.