I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
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At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?