– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.