MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
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Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
This is what makes twitter great
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Pigeon open mic night.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.