Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
You Might Also Like
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger